how rench stole snoggletog
by lloyd garmadon snake king
Summary: Rench decided to put an end to snoggletog once and for all


Every one down in berk liked snoggletog a lot

But rench who lived just North of berk did not!

rench hated snoggletog! The whole snoggletog season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.

It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes,

He stood there on snoggletog hating the villagers, " couples in order hiccup and astrid i...HHHHHHAAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE YYYYOOOUUUUU!"

Staring down from his cave house with a sour, Renchy frown

At the warm lighted windows below in their town,

For he knew everyone down on berk beneath

Was busy now hanging a holly jolly wreath.

"And they're hanging their stockings," he snarled with a sneer.

"Tomorrow is Snoggletog It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his rench fingers nervously drumming,

"I must find some way to keep snoggletog from coming!

For, tomorrow, I know all the girls and boys

Will wake bright and early. They'll rush for their toys!

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

There's one thing I hate! All the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

And they'll shriek squeaks and squeals, racing 'round on their wheels.

They'll dance with bell tied onto their heels.

They'll blow their clarinets . They'll bang their drums.

They'll blow their tribones . They'll bang their drums again and again !

They'll spin their Bangers. They'll slam their trumpets.

They'll beat their ringers . They'll wham their strums .

And they'll play noisy games like tag,

A roller-skate type of lacrosse and croquet!

And then they'll make ear-splitting noises galooks

On their great big drum ringers flutes!

Then the Vikings , young and old, will sit down to a feast.

And they'll feast! And they'll feast! And they'll FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They'll feast on pudding, and rare roast beast,

Raw roast beast is a feast I can't stand in the least!

And then they'll do something I hate most of all!

Everyone down in berk , the tall and the small,

They'll stand close together, with snoggletog bells ringing.

They'll stand hand-in-hand, and those vikings will start singing!"

"And they'll sing! And they'll sing! And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!"

And the more rench thought of this snoggletog Sing,

The more rench thought, "I must stop this whole thing!

Why for 8 years I've put up with it now!

I must stop snoggletog from coming! But how?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

rench got a wonderful, awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" rench laughed in his throat. " but what WOULD I WEAR! "yelled rench he then he ripped away a table cloth then he pushed down all of his stuff off the table he looked himself in the mirror bark! bark bark bark! " it's not a dress IT'S A KILT!"yelled rench ripping off the kilt "SICKO!" "Wait I Know what to make !"

"I'll make a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat."

And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Renchy trick!

With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"

You're a mean one, Mr. Rench. You really are a heel. You're as cuddly as a cactus. You're as charming as an eel. Mr. Rench! You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel! _You're a monster, Mr. Rench. Your heart's an empty hole._ _Your brain is full of spiders. You've got garlic in your soul._ _Mr. Rench! I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!_

"All I need is a reindeer." rench looked around.

But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the rench? Hah! rench simply said,

"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!" his dog Mike ran away from rench as he was about to grab his dog Mike " oh mmmmmiiIIIIKKKKKEEEEE! "yelled rench

So he took his dog Mike , and he took some black thread.

And he tied a big horn on top of his head.

Then he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks

On a ramshackle sleigh and he whistled for mike. Getting ready to go on the island called berk

Then Rench said "Giddyap!" and the sleigh started down here GOES NOTHING HOT DOG! the sleigh flew down with determination " AAAAAHHHHH WE'RE GOING DIE! yelled rench spinning around " aaahhhhhh FIRST I'M GOING THROW UP THEN I'M GOING DIE! MOMMY MAKE IT STOP ! ah ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ah ha ah fhew I almost lost my cool there

Toward the homes where the Vikings lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. No one knew he was there.

All the vikings were all dreaming sweet dreams without care

When he came to the first little house of the square.

"This is stop number one," the old Renchy Claus hissed,

As he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney, a rather tight pinch.

But if Santa could do it, then so could Rench

He got stuck only once, for a minute or two.

Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue "ssshhhhh, a little more stealth please"

Where the little Vikings stockings hung all in a row.

"These stockings," he renched , "are the first things to go!" As he took out a can of moths " ok fella's chow time " he opened the can then the Moths ate the stockings.

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the whole room, and he took every present!

Pop guns, stuffed toys , dragons egg , and drums!

Checkerboards, and drawings , popcorn, and plums!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then rench , very nimbly,

Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney.

You're a vile one, Mr. Rench. You have termites in your smile. You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile. Mr. Rench! Given the choice between the two of you I'd take the seasick crocodile! _You're a rotter, Mr. Rench. You're the king of sinful sots._ _Your heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots._ _Mr. Rench! You're a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!_

Then he slunk to the icebox. " Slunk? " He eyed the feast He took the Vikings ' feast!

He took the pudding! He took the roast beast! " HUT! " rench threw the roast Beast

He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.

Why, that rench even took the last can of eggs !

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.

"Now," grinned rench , "I stuff up the tree!"

As rench took the tree, as he started to shove,

He heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast, and he saw a small Viking !

Little Kelly , who was no more than 5 .

She stared at rench and said, "Santy Claus, why,

Why are you taking our tree? Why?"

But, you know, that old rench was so smart and so slick,

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,

"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.

So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.

I'll fix it up there, then I'll bring it back here."

" Santa clause what's Christmas really about? , " Said Kelly " Vengeance!, " rench yelled poking his head out the tree then realizing his mistake " or presents I suppose " said rench

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head,

And he got her a drink, and he sent her to bed.

And when kelly was in bed with her cup,

He crupt to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.

And the last thing he took was the log for their fire.

On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.

And the one speck of food that he left in the house

Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then he did the same thing to the other Vikings ' houses,

Leaving crumbs much too small for the other Vikings ' mouses!

BOOM! " what the? " (a baby deadly nadder lands on rench's face and bites and throws spikes at rench) nnnnuuuhhhh oooowww!

You nauseate me, Mr. Rench, with a nauseous super "naus"! You're a crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss. Mr. Rench! Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled up knots!;BOOM! "what now!?" (gasps) " uhh oh nnnuuhh aaahh aaahhh " ( a baby gronkel attacks rench )_You're a foul one, Mr. rench . You're a nasty-wasty skunk._ _Your heart is full of unwashed socks. Your soul is full of gunk._ _ ! Mr. rench The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, "Stink, stank, stunk"! _

It was quarter of dawn. All the Vikings still a-bed,

All the Vikings still a-snooze, when he packed up his sled,

Packed it up with their presents, their ribbons, their wrappings,

Their snoof and their fuzzles, their tringlers and trappings!

Ten thousand feet up, up the side of Mount Crumpet,

He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!

"Pooh-pooh to the Vikings !" he was renchly humming.

"They're finding out now that no snoggletog is coming!

They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!

Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

Then the Vikings down in berk will all cry boo-hoo!

That's a noise," grinned the rench, "that I simply must hear!"

He paused, and rench put a hand to his ear.

He heard a conversation down on berk for a second or a minute then he heard it

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

First It started in low, then it started to grow.

But this sound wasn't sad!

Why, this sound sounded glad!

Everyone down in berk,the tall and the small,

Was singing without any presents at all!

He hadn't stopped snoggletog or Christmas from coming! It came!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And rench , with his rench feet ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling. "How could it be so?

He grabbed his dog mike

It came without ribbons! It came without tags!

It came without packages, boxes, or bag!" It even came without love or wrappings Referring about hiccup and astrid

He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore.

Then rench thought of something he hadn't before.

Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.

Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more!

And what happened then? Well, in berk they say

That rench's small heart grew three sizes that day!

Then the sleigh started to fall rench then had to run! bark bark bark HUH oh no the sleigh the presents they'll be destroyed and I care what is the deal wait

And then the true meaning of Christmas came through,

And rench found the strength of ten red deaths, plus two!

And now that his heart didn't feel quite so tight,

He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light

With a smile to his soul, he descended Mount Crumpet

Cheerily blowing "Vikings ! Vikings !" on his trumpet.

He road into berk. He brought back their toys.

He brought back their stuff to the viking girlsgirls and boys.

He brought back the food and their toys and cards,

Brought back their eggs, Their dragon eggs theirs pets.

He brought everything back, all the food for the feast!

And he, he himself, rench carved the roast beast!


End file.
